he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
