My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I could fuck to npr.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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