Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am naked and annoyed.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize