remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
