ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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