I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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