well I can't set my house on fire every night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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