And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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