She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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