this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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