I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
