my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she peed on how many people?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
