why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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