Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
