Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
