I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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