i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
