It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Come see our sink grown plant.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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