I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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