Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
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You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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