I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
