You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
