new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
