i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
