I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
