Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think your dad took our porno
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
