Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dignity is for republicans.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
