M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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