I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
