your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
