i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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