Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize