My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
