It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
