also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
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i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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