I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
