Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
