I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Pooping to opera.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
