I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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