i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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