So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
