I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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