Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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