you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
