There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
why is half of my head shaved?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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