My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just invented taco cereal.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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