haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
