Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
