Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
