it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
