God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
