It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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