Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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