I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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