awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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