Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Someone came in the potted fern
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
