Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just blew my weed a kiss
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
