Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
