very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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