i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
