im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
