Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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